Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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