If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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