are you still at the devil's house?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
