I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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