Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
