My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
ok first of all what the fuck
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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