My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i now understand why vodka
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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