i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
