She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
