end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
