Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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