She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
