She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
