I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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