Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
