I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
