Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
