i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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