so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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