Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
