Got a toothbrush?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
