Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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