I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
