having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
