I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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