she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
