Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
