my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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