Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
