is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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