what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
