i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
40s are totally the cure
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
