So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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