Non-Jews are for practice
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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