Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
