Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
