I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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