I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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