Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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