My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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