he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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