Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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