My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
