you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Enjoy the penises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
