def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I didn't notice because vodka
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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