i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize