allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
