I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just invented taco cereal.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
