I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
