i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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