So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
