When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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