Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
