Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
