Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
