good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
