Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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