I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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