Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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