I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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