You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
