i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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