Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
