it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
