I am in a vortex of obligation.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
